Ahhh, the holidays, when anyone with any neurosis, addiction or quirk at all, has the excuse to really go hog wild with it.
Let’s see…what have we got?
1) The Control Freaks
What they say: “I want my relatives to come to my house for this holiday but, I’m going to do things my way and let’s just hope everyone enjoys it.”
What it means: “Through familial obligation and their spirit of generosity, I’ve managed to trap my family into spending the holiday with me at my house. Now I’m in charge and I’ll finally be able to teach them the difference between the right way(mine) and the wrong way (theirs.)”
2) The Frustrated Martha Stewarts
What they say: “Who decorated the cookies like that? Do you people think this is a joke? Can’t I get a little cooperation around here? Do you want to have a nice Christmas or not?
What it means: “I feel like a loser. This is my one chance each year to impress my friends and relatives and if I succeed, I can finally be impressed with myself.”
3) The Gloom-and-Doom Blokes
What they say: “You know, I just don’t get the holidays. I mean – what’s to celebrate? There are people suffering everywhere. It’s all to make money, anyway. It’s just so phoney.”
What they really mean: “Spawning misery makes me feel alive. You’re too happy today. We need to fix that.”
4) The Miss-the-Point Perfectionists
What they say: “That’s the gift you got for so-and-so? I really don’t think that was a wise choice.”
What they really mean: “Gosh, I hate Christmas. I don’t know why, I just do. Do we have to have it?”
5) The Guilt Generators
What they say: “You know, this might be the last year I’m around for this holiday.”
What they really mean: “I realise I’ve alienated you to the point that I can’t get you to spend any time with me at all unless I emotionally blackmail you.”
6) The Compulsives
What they say: “Oh, come on, why shouldn’t we eat this/smoke this/buy this/ drink this? It’s a holiday. Why can’t you let us enjoy ourselves?”
What they really mean: “I’m obsessive and out of control. I’m looking for an excuse to go down and take you with me.”
7) The ‘Jaded’ Ennui Couple
What they say: (bored tone of voice) “Oh. You’re wearing jack-o-lantern earrings. I guess today’s Halloween.” (eye roll)
What they really mean: “It’s terribly important to us that others think we’re ‘hip’ and ‘sophisticated.’ To achieve that, we won’t find anything amusing ever, so that when we die, our tombstones can say, ‘We were the coolest.’”
The ‘Saved’ Ones
What they say: “I think we should all join hands and pray before we eat.”
What they really mean: “I’m better than you. I’m going to Heaven and probably, sadly, you’re not.”
It took me more than forty years to develop the following list of holiday rules that I now follow faithfully, when plagued by the people above. They haven’t steered me wrong once. I recommend them to everyone:
1. To “The Saved Ones” – I pray when I want to pray, where I want to pray, how I want to pray and if I want to pray. People who try to force me to pray when I don’t want to, are guilty of “religious rape.”
2. To the “Jaded Ennui Couple,” “The Miss-the-Point Perfectionists” and the “Gloom and Doom Blokes” - I have FUN on holidays because life is short. I have fun for the people who, in this crap-shoot called ‘life,’ can’t have fun, because they’re too sick, too poor, or too busy trying to escape bullets. I have fun because I’ve been blessed with much and to deny that by being gloomy would be a worse sin than not praying at the dinner table. So, bugger off.
3. To “The Frustrated Marthas” – If you have the meticulously decorated Christmas tree, the beautifully prepared meal and the well-set table, I might notice or I might not. But if you’re harassed-looking, in a sour mood and your children and spouse flinch whenever you say their names, I’d definitely notice that. One definition of the word, ‘holiday’ is, “a day free from work that one may spend at leisure, a halting of general business activity to commemorate or celebrate.” Which means we’re supposed to do what we like. And I know for sure that years down the road, what grown children mostly remember about holidays growing up, was whether there was happiness and laughter or…not.
4. To “The Compulsives” and “The Guilt Generators” I’m remorseful about of a lot of things, but not spending enough time with people who are mean, manipulative or abusive, just because it’s a holiday, just because we share the same DNA, or just because I labelled you ‘friend,’ is not one of them. I donated to that self-destructive charity drive for many years, until I finally ran out of blood. Now I spend not only holidays, but all of my life with only those who appreciate and respect me.
5) To “The Control Freaks” - When you’re invited to my place, I’ll do all I can to make you feel welcome and comfortable. When you invite me to yours, I hope you’ll do the same. If you have special rules like, “we only serve tofu,” “no alcohol” or “no shoes,” please tell me ahead of time, so I’ll know what to expect. Don’t prepare food you know I don’t like or can’t eat and then tell me to “just try it.” If this happens too often, I might just bring my own sandwich. Don’t ask annoying questions that masquerade as ‘interested’ ones, like, “Why aren’t you married yet?” “Why did your son get a tattoo?” If this happens too often, I might just tell you to “mind your own business.”
Yup, enjoying the holidays takes self-confidence and self-discipline. Every year, starting about now, we get to practice those.
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How to Have a Successful and Rewarding (Writing) Life
Oscar Wilde, 1882
So a number of people have written to ask me for tips for a successful writing life. (Yes, believe it or not, they have. Why they’re asking me and not JK Rowling is a puzzle, but there you go.) In response, I thought I’d post my rules for doing that here. In fact, on pretty much every point, the points below are most likely the way I’d lead my life even if I hadn’t chosen to be a writer:
1) Work hard.
2) Have a supportive spouse/partner and family. If he/she is not supportive consider that this person may not be the person for you. (I’m serious.) If your family (parents and other relatives) are not supportive, ignore them completely. If your children are not supportive, unless they’re under age 18, ignore them, too. Don’t let other people’s discontent with their own lives taint your perspective, even if you happen to love those people. You giving up your dreams will not make them any happier.
3) Work even harder.
4) Remember every single person who helps you get a step up ─ the people who give you blurbs, the people who leave comments on your blog, the people who review your book, your agent, your fellow writers who show up at your book events, the book seller who hosts your events, the local newspaper columnist who does a story on you, the editors who critique your work (they’re your friends not your enemies) ─ and even if that person never does another thing for you, try to help them at least twice as much as they helped you whenever you can.
5) Keep working hard.
6) Take no notice of anyone who is jealous of you and/or seems to wish you harm. Don’t be offended by those who trash your work, who say “no” to any requests, who ask to be taken off your mailing list, who give you an *unrealistically negative review. If you expend energy worrying about these people, that is that much of your energy used up in a negative way and ─ believe me ─ you will need all your energy. (See points 1, 3, 5, 7, 9.) Also, don’t be jealous of other people’s success. Don’t compare yourself to others, ever. Because what you’re comparing are two very unalike things; what you’re comparing is your inside to what somebody else’s outside appears to look like to you. Again, a big fat waste of energy.
7) Keep working. Now is not the time to get discouraged.
8) In point six, I say ignore the “unrealistically” negative review. But if someone takes the time to critique your work and make a criticism or two that you keep hearing over and over again, it’s time to silently thank those detractors and look over your work with a more critical eye. They took time out of their busy lives to write about your book. Heck, they even spent money to buy your book, and if they’re telling you something, perhaps you ought to mull over. This is a positive, not a negative thing.
9) The more successful you get, the harder you work. Yes, that part sucks, but that’s the way it is. If you have one book out, you should be marketing it, but at the same time, you should be at least thinking about your next writing project. Can you say, “10-hours-a-day workday, 6 days a week?” Better be able to do more than say it.
10) On point #9, if you want to have a life outside of writing and still be successful at it, plan every moment of your day to get the most out of your time. 10 hours a day includes your marketing time as well as your writing time. The rest of the day includes your sleep, your dinner time, exercise, your hobbies, your chores, your time with your family and friends. So plan it out well. Savor it. Don’t waste it.
11) Embrace your workday, don’t resent it. You will be extremely unhappy if you can’t do this one thing.
12) Take time off when you need to and do not feel guilty about it, ever. Want to spend time with your young children, even several years of time? Do it. Want to go away with your partner or some friends? With few exceptions, don’t make it a working holiday. (Unless, of course, you’re in the middle of book tour. Ahem.) Embrace your time off as much as you embrace your work day. Because the definition of “success” is being able to look back on your life without too many regrets.
Anyone care to add their own ideas on the above? I’d love to hear them.
(P.S. Isn’t this a wonderful photo of Oscar?)